[Sažetak] Never Be Lied to Again – David J. Lieberman

Gledali ste seriju “Lie to me“? Ili bilo koju policijsku/detektivsku seriju? U svakoj seriji te vrste detektivi prepoznaju laž i na kraju dođu do istine. Neke serije to prikazuju prilično realistično i uvjerljivo. Neke toliko loše da je granično komično (sjećate se CSI i Horatio Caine?).

Ova knjiga je “Lie to me” u stvarnom životu. Autor knjige, David Lieberman, nas vodi kroz metode kako prepoznati laž – uočavanjem verbalnih i fizičkih znakova. Opisuje metode i savjete za konverzacije koje vode ka istini primjenom efikasnih psiholoških trikova.

Ovo nije knjiga koja se čita samo jednom. Da bi uspješno primijenili opisane metode, ne samo da je potrebno više čitanja nego i kontinuirano uvježbavanje.

Never be Lied to Again


“It takes at least two people for a lie to be effective – one to offer the lie and one to believe it”

Part 1 – Signs of Deception

“Once you realize you’ve been lied to, should you confront the liar immediately? Usually not. The best approach is to note the fact in your mind and continue with the conversation, trying to extract more information”

“No or little direct eye contact is a classic sign of deception. A person who is lying to you will do everything to avoid making eye contact”

“When someone is lying or keeping something in, he tends to be less expressive with his hands or arms”

“In her hand goes straight to her face while she is responding to a question or when she is making a statement, this is often an indication of deceit”

“These conscious movements are intended to show emphasis, but when a person is lying such movements are not part of the natural rhythm of the message”

“An obvious incongruence between gestures and speech indicates that the speaker is lying”

“The timing of emotions is something that’s difficult to fake”

“A smile that does not involve the whole face is a sign of deception”

“If someone is uttering or listening to a message that makes her uncomfortable, her head may shift away from the one she is talking to”

“Those who are insecure or unsure of themselves often stand hunched over, with their hands in their pockets”

“The liar is reluctant to move toward or even face the source of the threat. She turns sideways or completely away and rarely stands squared off”

“The person who is being deceitful will have little or not physical contact with the one he is talking to”

“Someone who is lying or hiding something rarely points a finger, either at others or straight up in the air”

“Placing a physical barrier between you and him is the verbal equivalent of “I don’t want to talk about it”, indicating deception or a covert intention”

“The liar wants to be sure that you understand his point immediately so that he can change the subject and no further questions will be asked”

“The guilty are uncomfortable with silence”

“The guilty tells his story in debs and drabs until he gets a verbal confirmation to stop. He speaks to fill the gap left by the silence”

“Someone who holds no prejudice answers quickly”

“The liar doesn’t want to own his words”

“A deceitful statement often is delivered in a flat voice devoid of any real nuances”

“More specifically, is someone out of the blue with no real evidence accuses you of lying, ask yourself “Why is he so paranoid”. In phycological terms this is often referred to as projection”

“When you are deceitful or trying to cover up, your focus is internal – on how you sound and appear as you’re relaying the facts”

“As careful as he may be relating the details of an event, the liar often leaves out the crucial element – the point of view or opinion of someone else”

“One thing is almost always missing from a story that’s not true – what went wrong. Events that are made up rarely include negative detail”

“Remember, the guilty wants the subject changed; the innocent always wants a further exchange of information”

“The liar is more concerned with how he is going to respond than he is with the accusation itself”

“Whenever someone makes a point of telling you what they’re not doing, you can be sure it’s exactly what they are doing”

“The purveyor of deceit demonstrates characteristics with specific moral bent so that often his actions will be seen in that light”

“Beware if she casually tells you something that should deserve more attention”

Part 2 – Becoming a Human Lie Detector

“This part contains a sophisticated and comprehensive system of questioning that will get the truth of any person”

“The objective here is to ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to the person’s possible”

“If he doesn’t realize you’re implying anything, then he’s probably not guilty. But if he gets defensive, than he knows what you’re getting at”

“With this primer, you still bring up the subject, bit in a general way. Casually broaching the subject in this manner provides great insight into the person’s innocence or guilt”

“Stage 1. Ask questions directly:

  1. Give no advance warning of the subject you’re about to bring up or for any feelings of mistrust you may have
  2. Never reveal what you know first
  3. The way you present yourself can greatly influence the attitude of the other person
  4. Lie detectors use what is called a baseline, which corresponds to the person’s normal level of anxiety
  5. Although your posture should be relaxed and non-threatening, see if you can square off so that you are facing each other
  6. Never, ever, interrupt”

“Stage 2. Silence. First, don’t respond at all. This will usually make him continue talking. The guilty abhor silence. If makes them uncomfortable”

“Stage 3. Really? At the end of his answer respond with Really? This one simple word gives you two shots at assessing the same answer”

“Stage 4. Sudden death. Follow with “Is there anything you want to get of your chest?”

“Ask a leading question. Ask a question that restricts answer to something he feels is positive, a question he doesn’t mind answering truthfully”

“Reverse course: You’ve got to be kidding! Here you sound disappointed that she answered this way”

“This is not going to work. This is where you let her know that everything you’ve ever thought about her may be wrong”

“Liars are a lot like dogs. They need an incentive to confess. And an incentive is much more powerful if it’s offered in a specific way”

“The best way to do it is to first state the positives, then state the negatives, and then present the choice”

“You shift focus of your concern to his attention, not his actions”

“In other words, you let him know that the source of your concern is not what he’s done, but why he’s done it”

“The Boomerang. With this example you tell him that he did something good, not bad”

“Truth or consequences. With this bullet you force your antagonist to work with you or you both end up with nothing”

“You can dramatically increase your leverage by conveying that this is the only time you will discuss this”

“Reverse Course. You convey to him that what happened or what he did was a good thing insofar as it allows you and he to establish an even better relationship”

“I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice. In this bullet you up the ante, but you rely on his imagination to set the terms of the damage that you can inflict”

“I guess you are not allowed. Never underestimate the power of appealing to a person’s ego”

“Higher authority. All you have to do is to let him know that anything he’s lied about can not be cleared up in seconds. However, if anyone else finds out about it later, it’s too late”

“The great unknown. You can obtain maximum leverage by explaining how the ramifications of his deceit will be somethin that the suspect has never know before”

“I couldn’t care less. If he feels that you don’t care that he’s lying to you, he will want to know – better, he needs to know – why you’re so cavalier and dispassionate”

Part 3 – Tactics for Detecting Deceit and Gathering Information in Casual Conversations

“During the conversation simply ask general, clear questions pertaining to your suspicion. This causes the person you are questioning to recall information. If he spoke the truth, then he will answer you quickly and effortlessly”

“In this sequence you add a fact and ask the person to comment on it. This fact is one you made up, but one that sounds perfectly reasonable”

“In this sequence you taje what the person says and request proof, but in a very non threatening manner”

“Use this clue [Expand-a-fact] te determine how far someone is willing to go to get what she wants. All you do is expand on a fact that she has already offered”

“The yes-or-no format can be used with just anyone in any situation that makes one uncomfortable revealing personal information”

“The best way to get someone to confide in you is for you to confide in him. This instantly puts the other person at ease”

“When there is a diffusion of responsibility, the impetus to act just isn’t there. If you want answers or if you want somebody to do something, you have to increase his responsibility”

“The one who responds to the situation first is the one who controls the mode of exchange”

Part 4 – Mind Games

“The guidelines to keep in mind for this procedure [forward assumptive stance] are as follows:

  1. Assume your suspicion as fact
  2. State at least two truisms (facts that you both know to be true)
  3. Switch a focus from threat to a request
  4. The request should be easy for him to accept and sound reasonable”

“When you seek to gauge a person’s honesty and commitment, propose a solution that you know is too difficult. If he readily agrees to it, he has ulterior motives and is not being truthful”

Part 5 – Advanced Techniques for Getting the Truth

“First, for maximum effectiveness the command should start with an action verb, because you’re telling the mind to do something. Second, the entire command should be separated from the rest of the sentence using what is called an analogy marker”

“In you conversation, continue to repeat phrases like the ones below [disassociation]. Make sure they contrast the old him and the new him”

“For right handed people visual memories are accessed be the eyes going up and to the left. For a left-handed person, it’s the reverse: the eyes go up and to the right”

“When you can’t change someone’s reality to get the truth, alter how he sees it instead”

Part 6 – Psychology on Your Side

“Ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our actions. If you appeal to someone on a strictly logical basis, you will have little chance of persuading him”

“A person’s emotional state is directly related to his physical state. If he gets locked into a position of denial or refusal, get him to move his body”

“So instead of asking him to change his mind, allow him to make a new decision based on additional information”

“When arguing becomes futile, stop. Go the other direction, reversing your position entirely. Give the other person an exaggerated version of what he wants”

“The best way to get a person’s attention is to speak softly and directly”

“The best time to seek your confession is when he is tired, hungry, thirsty, whatever. He won’t be thinking clearly and will be looking to end the conversation as soon soon as possible”

“Well, if you want to give someone a motive to do something, you’re going to show him that it’s simple and easy. If you want to discourage a behaviour, you need only stretch a number of steps into a long, boring, and arduous process”

“If you want to influence a person’s behaviour, you need to attach pain to the direction you don’t want him to move in and pleasure you want him to move forward”

Part 7 – Internal Truth Blockers: We Lie Loudest When We Lie to Ourselves

“If you don’t want to see the truth, you often will not”

“Watch out for the three C’s. They are compliments, confirmation and confrontation. If you are listening with any of these preconceptions in mind, the information is likely to be distorted”

Part 8 – External Blockers: Tricks of the Trade

“These [external blockers] are the psychological secrets of the experts, the tricks of the trade – factors that can affect you judgement in objectively evaluating information”

“Watch out when you are asked about your hobbies, hometown, values, favourite foods, only to be followed with the obligatory Me too, what a coincidence

“Another aspect of this rule is that if someone is nice to us, we not only like him more but are more likely to agree with him”

“When yo are presented with a request, make sure you’re not acting out of sense of obligation”

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